Collie's Humor Page

(or... things that still make me laugh)

I usually save things that make me laugh, and re-look at them several weeks later. If they still make me laugh -- they're a keeper!

Miscellanea

What? No porn???

From Dave:
This is what happens when you get a bunch of geeks really stressed out in a hi-tech startup company. The following is an email exchange (slightly edited) that I took part in with some of my co-workers. Pay careful attention to the [italicized] words (there will be a short vocabulary quiz next week). If you don't know the definition of one of the [italicized] words you should really look it up. There is incredible amusement (for geeks anyway) in the difference between what those words look/sound like they mean and what they really mean. There isn't anything offensive contained in the exchange... but you'll probably want a dictionary at hand.

Joe:
"Yes, I am hooked on porn, and I love it. So's my whole family, for that matter. My own grandmother, despite her Christian beliefs, was a sexegenarian for ten years! (she later died in her seventies) I have pictures of grown men perambulating small children, and I myself used to emulate other boys at the playground."

Steph:
"That's nothing! My whole family matriculated in school!"

Erik:
"Weak sinners. I masticate everyday! And, I have no intentions of stopping. I enjoy it. Ya hear that? Enjoy!"

David:
"I used to engage in philately many years ago (my father actually got me into it), but I became bored with it. But I must agree with the previous entry on masticating. I actually masticate multiple times a day... especially during holiday season!"

Steph:
"Philately!?! No wonder you got bored. You should try numismatics. Oh, baby!"

David:
"Humbug... I went to philately from numismatics! I finally settled on watching thespians performing their acts... in public!"

Jenny:
"I think ya'll have waaaaay too much time on your hands!"

Trying again...

Subject: Re: ~Where did Gandalf/Galadriel/Elrond/Cirdan keep their Rings?
From: "maurice finn"
Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien

>>>
I've just been discussing the limitation of two rings per character in the Angband newsgroup and the idea of wielding rings that you wear on your ears or wherever came up.

To hide a ring, why not wear it in your navel or around your genital proboscis? That's why no one could see their Rings....

Mark Constantino
>>>

Three Rings for the Elven-Knobs under their vests
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their balls of stone
Nine for mortal woman on their breasts
One for the dark lord on his dark bone
In the land of proboscis where your privates lie
One ring for both your balls, one ring to prick them
One ring to dangle there and in the darkness your partner will say
"What the bloody hell was that?!"

From Jim Griffith's netfunny site.

A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say "I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words.

I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything.

"He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on from there.

A couple of weeks later, she related the following.

"We were in bed, making love. I said, 'Tell me you love me.' He said, 'I love you.' I said 'Tell me you're the Easter Bunny.' He stopped for a second, and said, 'I'm the Easter Bunny.' So I slapped him."

The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.

Thanks to Bob Tillman and RootsWeb for this programming tale.

Air Wargames Sim -- Urban Legend Australian Style

This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations/Simulation division.

They've been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers.

Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position). Being good little programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc.

The first time they've gone to demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod appreciatively -- then gape as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. Programmers look rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding -- and Americans leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife.

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place.

SCIENCE!!

... and here you all are.

Environmentalist Briony Penn, 40, addressing reporters after riding a horse nude, Lady Godiva-like, through downtown Vancouver, British Columbia, in January to protest logging on Saltspring Island: "I've got a Ph.D. (in geography), and no one listens. I take my clothes off, and here you all are. So thank you."
[Vancouver Sun, 1-23-01]

On Drugs And Development

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

Answering the question "Why go to Mars"?

"Well let's put it this way, if we don't, if we stop stretching our boundaries, then the human race will enter into a period of stagnation and eventually go extinct. Then the raccoons will evolve and they will go to Mars."
-- Scientist guest on Scientific American Frontier

Seen recently on a bumper sticker in funny California:

"HONK if you're Illiterate."

He Blinded Me with Science!

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

cause excessive sweating and vomiting
it is a major component in acid rain
it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
accidental inhalation can kill you
it contributes to erosion
it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He feels the conclusion is obvious.

Officialdom

Comments From Performance Review

These are supposed actual quotes taken from job performance reviews.

I would not allow this employee to breed.
This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't-be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His employees would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe, "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?", said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the-"

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "-just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made to borrow the gun.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken."

REAL Computer Security

I was FTPing some files today. The site smartdocs.com came up in my search, and their FTP login message states:

Illegal use of this system will be punished to the fullest extent allowed by international law. Violators will be put to death when and where permitted by local statutes.

I'll be sure to abide by their rules while I'm there.

Verbatim from USA Today, 4/10/97, page 11A:

DELAWARE: A state lawmaker is pushing a bill to make lying to the General Assembly a felony. Legislators would be exempt from the law under the state constitution.

This is an extract of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army Lieutenant General Reinwald about sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop on his military installation.

Interviewer: "So, General Reinwald, what are you going to do with these young boys on their adventure holiday?"

Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

Reinwald: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

(Abrupt) End of interview...

Unfortunately, the existence of this exchange is apparently not supported by the facts, but is still quite funny.

If We'd Been Meant to Fly...

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks, for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault.

It was the asphalt."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to lose your luggage."

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Last Updated: Sun, May 20, 2001